


The Show Must Go On

by CaptainEd1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, Inspired by other work, M/M, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, Pedophilia, Rape/Non-con Elements, This is not supposed to be cute, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainEd1/pseuds/CaptainEd1
Summary: Erwin knew he was bad. He knew his whole act was just... Well, an act. But he couldn't stop it. He was too close to having the perfect life. Until Eren. And then, he snapped. Big, hard and brutal was the fall he had soon after.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Banana Boy (imbetterlive)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imbetterlive/gifts).



> Uhh... Ah. This is my first time posting something. I researched the topic. This is inspired by Cerulean, written by NobeAckerman.  
> Just to be clear: pachinko is a gambling game, a kind of flipper. Pachinko parlors are widely spread in Japan, as this is a very played game. They are very bright, with row of machines and music, as well as the rhythmical noise of the machines. 
> 
> Anyway, I did take a long time writing this. I edited this note and the work many times.  
> I'm sorry. I have bullshitty and concrete excuses.
> 
> Finally, my first language is French (language of baguettes). However, I have been learning English for a very long time and so, I am almost bilingual. But, I didn't have a proper grammatical or spelling study, so I hope this will excuse some mistakes.
> 
> Please, don't be triggered. The tags should say enough. Obviously, if this sort of things disturbs you, don't read this fiction.  
> Thank you all

The psychologist Jesse Bering, author of “Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us,” writes that people with pedophilia “aren’t living their lives in the closet; they’re eternally hunkered down in a panic room.” 

"I'm going to die, it's swelling up, I can't breath, I can't think, I can't control myself, I can't, I can't, someone help me, I'm gonna die..."   
His own mind was the prison, trapping him and never letting go. 

To the eyes of those around him, he was wonderful. Nothing was wrong with him, just one more perfect example of what one wished he could be. Tall, strong, smart and oh-so dazzlingly charming. Control, pure and simple, is what his image gave the impression of. But inside, it was just pure panic, so wide and dark, feeding of his bigger anxiety and desire: being loved and accepted. 

\--------------------------------------------------   
"Everyday, a mother cries out: "my child is missing!" Learn more tonight about the dangers your children are exposed to and how to protect them from the common enemy: pedophiles and learn the basics of protection in tonight's Stranger Danger, at 8-"   
Erwin turned the TV off. He wouldn't bear yet another show explaining the dangers of pedophilia again. Couldn't people understand there was a difference between molester, rapist, and pedophile? One was despicable in all sense and the other one just a simple soul suffering from a great pain, a condition, a mental illness. 

You, dear reader, do you remember your first crush?   
No, not your kindergarten great love experience. I'm talking about your ten-year-old attraction to another child. Generally, you grew out of it and started being attracted to others, probably within your own year range.   
(AN: no, I do not include the possible fangirl/boying on x celebrity or anime character. Sorry.)   
Erwin never grew out of his first crush. What I mean about that, is that he didn't continue loving with all his heart little Amy with the pigtails, no, he continued loving kids of ten years old. Lust, desire, it was more than simple attraction. What was happening? Was he normal? He didn't know anything. 

When 16 of age, he stumbled across Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, a book he'd only ever hear about once in an English class, a book he didn't want to read because he was sure it would antagonize the pedophile. But something urged him to pick it up and...fuck was he wrong. This book was a revelation. His arousal, his lust, they were a carbon copy of Humbert's. That was when he realized how big his problem was and how huge the repercussions could be. Anxiety swelled up and tied him to silence. 

What could he do? Of course, talking about it wasn't an option. His problem was massive, with no solutions apparent. Oh yes, what could he do? Nothing really. Trapped, broken, his whole world a mess and a smile on his face like a shield, he listened to the compliments feeling rotten, rotten, rotten. 

\------------------------------------------------------------- 

Erwin sighed once again. He was getting old and wanted a next of kin. Looking at the man next to him, he smiled. Levi always reminded him of a little boy. With a short temper, small height (though one must not say that if he fears death) and lithe features, Levi looked years younger than his age, which was what attracted Erwin. The boy looked 14 when actually 19. His features were so childish it was enough for Erwin. 

Ah, he was a challenge Erwin just had to take.   
And so, like the fervent poker player he was, he sat out his cards and the game was on. From then on, all it took was a few little touches, good well-placed smiles and an office party with the promise of some alcohol and a blind look on Levi's underage issue. He was the winner of this game, with Erwin still having all his aces up his sleeve.   
The boy's virginity was something Erwin took good care of. After some convincing and smart words, Erwin took it well and proudly. He wasn't scared of completely showing off his relationship to others, to Levi's joy and pride. After all, weren't they the perfect couple?   
Weren't they?   
After a beautiful wedding and a heated honeymoon, Erwin had asked Levi to stay at home. He was truly he was the perfect housewife, taking such good care of Erwin, holding their little life together with a tight knot which seemed to never unravel.   
Everything seemed to be running smoothly, but alas, he didn't want any secret from Levi, so, one night, when they were close, very close and completely trusting the other, Erwin breathed big and told him. It just had to go out. The secret was worming his way out of Erwin's mind, slithering through the protections and begging to be let out. Everything, his doubts, and disgust, his vow of never touching a child and distrust of his own self, it all came out, exposed and naked, like a new-born. Frankly, he was expecting rejection and tears but not Levi's reaction. 

He looked disgusted but not surprised, admitting the latter. Erwin solemnly swore that he never touched a child and never will and looked at Levi with pleading eyes. Levi couldn't leave him of course. He was nothing without Erwin. Erwin made Levi. His only source of income was Erwin, Erwin, Erwin.   
\--------------------------------------------------- 

Eren. That's the name of the child they adopted. Erwin had specifically asked for a male, something Levi of course, like a lot of other things, didn't question. The kid was simply beautiful, big green eyes full of wonder, a caramel skin, and chocolate-brown hair. With all that, he was easily and surprisingly trusting. 

He was wonderful. Energetic, fun, a bright smile constantly lighting up his face and beautiful legs, long and so lithe, and such a cute little mouth too... 

No! Erwin could not think like that of Eren. He had everything he wanted, a loving husband, a high-powered job, a beautiful son... So, instead of giving in to temptation, he showered Eren with gifts and constant "fatherly" affection. What he desperately wanted from Eren and couldn't have, he instead drowned in constant love. 

Erwin didn't even realize his actions at first. They were almost subconscious, like of the darker part of himself took control of him for just a few seconds. 

His hands placed on the boy's knees, just wandering a bit, crawling like it's all a game. A few lingering stares, chaste kisses on the mouth that dragged on for just a few milliseconds... Every single act was pushing Erwin towards his limit, and slowly the tight knot he made was unraveling. 

\-------------------------------------------------------- 

He didn't mean it. He really didn't mean it. It just happened. He really wanted to say "Levi!" Not "Eren!" Man, that was more than a Freudian slip. Levi didn't say anything and pretended he hadn't heard anything. They continued their activity and Erwin finished with a very distinct image of Eren in his mind. Guilt was swallowing him whole. 

-"Hey little guy, do you want to play baseball?" Erwin had felt so bad about last night, so guilty, that he tried to regain his role as a good father.   
They walked, idly chatting about this and that.   
-"Hey Papa, you missed the stadium! It's here! Look, look!"   
Yeah, he missed it. What was happening? He hadn't even noticed his surroundings, his body going on autopilot, he who always was so focused before.   
-"Yeah, you're right Eren! Sorry! I hope you have all of your gear!"   
They went in together, Erwin throwing some easy balls for Eren to hit, while some guy in yellow was practicing swings like nobody's business and running everywhere, looking like a hyper kid when he was in his mid-twenties.   
-"Hey Papa, this guy is really funny! Can I go and ask him how he makes his swings so cool?   
-"Well, Eren... We will go but only because you're with Papa but remember-"   
-"Yeah, I know, stranger danger!"   
How fucking ironic it was for Erwin to say that. Warning his son about stranger danger when he was the biggest of them all. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

What was he even doing here? A pachinko parlor, out of all places. A man like him didn't belong here. His stylish clothes and his attitude just perspired money. He was a contrast, a sort of light of the high-class world in a dark place like this. The blind lights and loud noises around him made him dizzy before his eyes and ears grew used to them. Erwin was wandering, his pace slow and steady when he felt a hand on his shoulder.   
-"Heh?"   
-"Hey old man, you look in dire need of a drink. I know a good and cheap place, wanna go there?"   
Erwin hadn't gone to a bar with the goal of setting himself drunk in a long time and hesitated but the stranger was pretty convincing. A youngster, with a red sweatshirt and sporting what seemed an everlasting grin. 

-"Sure, why not? After all, I don't even know what I'm doing here."   
-"Nobody knows what they're doing here. Welcome to the club."   
-"Uh... Thank you? "   
He definitely wasn't used to people being so straight-forward. Normally, the person he'd be with would subtly suggest what they should next, while always staying polite and reserved; and Erwin had lost contact with his old friends which he could have real fun with, not having the time to see them or when he had, they claimed he changed. Did he?   
His thoughts were interrupted by the man opening his mouth again.   
-"I'm assuming you'll pay because my money is long gone, gobbled by these machines from Hell."   
A moment later and Erwin was in a seedy bar, his buds not liking the cheap beer they were getting instead of the expensive whiskey they were used to. After a few tense minutes, he loosened up and words tumbled out of his mouth at an ungodly speed, his conflict exposed to this stranger. Of course, Erwin omitted the pedophilia part of it, he wasn't ready for that yet.   
-"Wait, old man, your problem is as easy as that? You're attracted to someone who'll never love you and since you know that, you don't try anything? That's stupid! You don't know since you never tried!"   
-"It's not as easy. I shouldn't be allowed to love him, it's just not natural."   
Man, after a few, this beer started getting better.   
-"Oh, so it's a him. You shouldn't worry about that. Love whoever you want. You wanting to shag anyone is completely normal. If I were you, I would listen to my dick and try to get some!"   
Gulp. Another glass emptied.   
-"That's not the end of the problem. I'm married and-"   
-"Listen, if you desire someone else even though you're married, it's a sign your sexual life is probably not enough. It's like a theorem: if one is attracted to another even though married, he should bang the random and cherish the loved."   
-"Wait, why do your words seem so smart even though you seem fucking dumb?"   
-"I listen to my dick and that's enough."   
How many glasses had he even drank?   
Erwin abruptly stood up and the alcohol took over his body.   
-"You know what? I'll do it! It's been a long time I've wanted that!"   
-"Here you go, old man! Good luck!"   
What was his problem again?   
Completely trashed, Erwin took a taxi, went home, totally ignoring Levi reading in the living room and opened the door to Eren's room.   
-"Hey, buddy! Wake up! Papa wants to show you something."   
-"Papa, it's so late..." Eren sleepily replied, rubbing his eyes and yawning.   
Before the boy could say another word, Erwin was quick to react, getting on top of Eren and undressing him. Giggling at first, Eren then started to shift awkwardly and tried to say something when his mouth was covered by Erwin's hand.   
-"Shh... This is all a game buddy, but you can't be too loud or you lose. We'll have fun together okay?"   
Eren keened, the weird sensations he never experienced before taking over his body.   
Lost in his delusional trance, Erwin's hand slipped and Eren took it as a chance to scream for help. It was starting to hurt.   
His cries for help turned to cries of pleasure in Erwin's mind. How could he not like it? Falling into his own bullshit, Erwin didn't realize what he had exactly done, the words of the stranger resonating in his head. "You wanting to shag anyone is completely normal". Yes, he was normal. Nothing was wrong with him. He wasn't like the old man who waited outside of his school with a raincoat. No! He was Erwin Smith, he was Erwin Smith, he was-   
When he came back to his room, he held Levi tightly, making sure to whisper in his ear, feeding his delusional lies to him. Levi accepted him. There was nothing wrong. He loved Levi too.   
Eren had turned ten a few days ago. 

It happened every night after that, except when fatigue took over his body and he couldn't think straight. He'd been going to the parlor again, always meeting this man, they never exchanged names but talking about their problems was enough. 

To compensate the pain Eren would have to go through and the slight unease Erwin would occasionally feel, he bought everything the boy looked at twice. He showered Eren with gifts, every material affection he could, and stopped Levi from spanking him a few times; "I will not tolerate violence in this house!" was his argument. Everything to make up for the hand creeping up Eren's thigh when watching a movie, to forget the pained and frantic look the boy gave, to convince himself he was a good father. 

One night, when things had gotten a little rough, Erwin had left to the kitchen only to come back and see Levi with Eren, he discovered a part of himself so deep and buried he thought it never even had existed.   
-"If you wanted to try him out, you should have just said."   
After all, he could share Eren! It was completely normal, to have family fun together!   
By some unnamed action, Levi was suddenly on the bed. His pants obeyed gravity's law and slid down. Erwin's hand was around him, showing Eren that adults could have this special genre of fun too. 

-"Next time, you can touch him." Man, he was looking forward to it. Sharing Eren with his lover, such a bonding experience. He went and kissed Eren as if to seal the deal. 

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

Of course, Levi had to react like that. He didn't know how much Eren liked it too, he didn't know the background of the story. The kid loved it! He had been wanting it, always removing random articles of clothing, Erwin just had to take him! And he was so good this time, so quiet and perfect for Papa...   
Levi always had to ruin everything.   
-"Stop. Stop Erwin." How funny, him saying that when he too had wanted Eren.   
-"What?" Couldn't he just finish in peace?   
-"Stop. You have to stop. You're... you're hurting him." What? The kid loved it! Levi looked so small and stupid like that, shivering.   
-"Eren likes it."   
"He doesn't. He doesn't. Look at him." Erwin looked at Eren. For a brief moment, the truth flashed. Eren looked so weak, shivering, his big eyes pleading. He suppressed the image. It wasn't true. Levi wanted to manipulate him to keep Eren to himself.   
He didn't hear the rest of Levi's word, only pulling out of Eren, buttoning his pants and walking towards Levi, the whole world a blur, a total mismatched blur.   
Erwin's hand smashed Levi's cheek and Erwin enjoyed the thrill of power and dominance he had.   
-"You don't tell me what to do. Remember that."   
That's for trying to make Erwin lie to himself. That's for trying to take Eren. That's for making Erwin doubt of his convictions.That's for thinking you're smarter than me Levi. I know better than you. 

Ah sleep, troubled mind, may the play continue as the two fugitives run away in the night. 

\------------------------------- 

Pain, so much pain filled him. The house, empty. The rooms, devoid of any presence beside his own. And his heart, throbbing painfully inside? What had he done? Trapped himself in his own web of lies, that's what he'd done. Erwin couldn't breath and didn't want to, as the pain of living was too great. In a state of haze, he stumbled across some sleeping pills and tumbled down a restless sleep. 

When he woke up, he wanted to find them, so much that the desire overcame his pain.   
Several times, he called them, begging for forgiveness, promising he would never touch Eren again, lying to himself countless times, twisting the situation to his advantage, painting himself as the victim, in the cruel play that was life. He barely ate, slept, and took a sabbatical at work. He traced Levi's cell phone and went to his scummy little flat, and had to leave when Levi menaced to call the cops, phone in the hand ready to dial the number.   
Was Levi even more stupid than he thought? Why did they live like that, in such a dirty flat, when they could have had Erwin's great house, now so empty? 

They changed their number. He truly had lost this game. What was he? Ah, yes, checkmated. Look, look, a sight to behold! The great Erwin Smith has lost this game. Failure, failure, you're nothing more than scum. Even his neighbor, a stupid otaku always fanboying about this stupid idol was better than him. 

Erwin suddenly remembered a photo of Levi 

-"Yes hello, you're at Dr. Matsuno's cabinet, how may I help you?"   
-"Ah, I wanted to take an appointment, you see, my friend recommended you and...-" 

Erwin could hear himself talking, he could feel his heart beating but at the same time, he felt numb. How did he, top at the human hierarchy, fall from such a great height?   
Yes, his lips were moving, a sound was going out, but he was a pantomime of himself, a broken puppet. He ruined his life by loving an ungrateful little bitch and thank God Levi decided to not take this matter to court because he could have killed him then! The bitch was so hypocritical, taking Eren after claiming Erwin was the disgusting one! Yeah, he was just jealous of Erwin, he was nothing without him. The only words that should have left his mind should've been Erwin, Erwin, Erwin. 

\------------------------------------------ 

It had been a long time. A church out of all places. He wanted to clean himself, to find the path he'd lost and confess his sins to the Holy, as minor and stupid as they were. 

-"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."   
-"God can forgive my son, tell me your sins so that He can erase them."   
-"I've lusted for a man years younger than me."   
-"And have you acted on it?"   
-"Yes father, I have many times, and lost what I cherished of all my heart."   
-"Yes, this is quite sinful indeed. My son, why haven't you resisted the temptation of sin?"   
-"Father, the boy wanted it too. I know it. I just know it. No one listens to me but I know it! I just want to be left alone, for guilt is following me everywhere."   
-"My son, to talk is already the first step. Have you faced all of your sins? Now is the moment to do it.   
-"Father I can't do this I'm leaving, I can't, I can't-"   
-"My son, you shouldn't do that! God will forgive your sins!"   
But it was too late, as Erwin had left the confessional, his guilt obscuring the bright light of the church. Father Matsuno was drained, his faith in God the only thing keeping him standing.   
"L'oeil était dans la tombe et regardait Caïn."   
"The eye was in the tomb and stared at Caïn."   
-Victor Hugo 

\--------------------------------------------------- 

Grand Final   
-"Yeah, he'll be finished in about 5 minutes, so you can just go and wait in the room over there. Dr. Matsuno is having a bit of a rough patient."   
How did Erwin come here? He just wanted reassurance, wanted somebody to tell him it wasn't his fault so he could go on with his life. The door opened. Somebody called his name. He stood up. He sat down. He said hello. And then, he talked. A lot. 

-"Mr. Smith, you are delusional and suffering from mental illness, something commonly known but not talked about a lot: pedophilia. You called my office a month ago and know, you only dare come to explain to me the boy wanted it. I shall be very clear:   
In this tragedy or comedy known as life. There are no antagonist nor protagonists. And whatever happens, the show must go on. But in your case Mr. Smith, the show isn't about you. You can't lie to yourself. Stop trapping yourself in these stories, because I can assure you they are not true. But after all, isn't the greatest enemy of all oneself?"

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! You made it to the end! Honestly good job! Thank you to all of you, readers. I think I haven't lived long enough to know all the hardships of love and the hard chess game it is, so of course this will not be accurate. But does anyone really know what love is? Is it even a thing? I don't know. What I know, though, is that I will edit this as I gain in knowledge in maturity. Thank you all.


End file.
